Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
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Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
dam girl
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Remember folks 😂
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no