[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
You Might Also Like
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
She puts the hot in psychotic
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth