Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
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Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.