Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
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I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.