Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
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Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
This is painfully accurate 😅
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears