You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
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hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
That’s enough internet for the day
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.