Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
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my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
wtf management?!
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Customize Your Wedding.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.