God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
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WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement