Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
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I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times