Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
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[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending