It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
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I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
work smarter, not harder
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned