Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
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I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*