I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
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[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
pep talk
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.