Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
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Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car