My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
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Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
😅🤣😂
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.