Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
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Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
I did not eat the cake…
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
When you let grandma cat sit
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard