[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
You Might Also Like
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Kids: Stay in school.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
<—- homeless romantic
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night