Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid

Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid

“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God

I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation

Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid

and they really asked ….

If it was in color

Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.

Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.

Judge: plz tell the court what happened

Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]

Judge: that doesn’t hold any water

CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?

NSA: “U2’s New Album”

Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-

me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top

*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*

When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.

The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey

PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.

To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.

Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?

Kids: Cars

Me: And…

Kids: Wine moms

remember

only for emergencies

Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.

[on a date with a european]

Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?

Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”

I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”

[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!

PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.

“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!