[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
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Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Are we there yet?…
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore