A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
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I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
I have a black belt in leather
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
I’m good, thanks.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…