Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
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I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.