#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
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inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.