[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
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ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
no cat here
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.