Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
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If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Bobby pin
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?