I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
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[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
when nothing goes right… go left
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
My wedding will be open casket.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Yes, this is exactly right
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.