If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
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[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
found my next D&D character name
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed