Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
🤣😂🤣
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Not today.. 😂
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
he was correct
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.