Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
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Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.