*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
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Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.