Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
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Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
when you order from DoorDastardly
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag