It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
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Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
My Indian name is dances without coordination.