Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
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DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you