Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
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“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?