Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
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New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Just this preview of the story is enough
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!