No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
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Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
i love meeting boys on tinder
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.