Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
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Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.