It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
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[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese