Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
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“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
what does he know…
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t