I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
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Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*