*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
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Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.