Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
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[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!