My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
You Might Also Like
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]