*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
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If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.