Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
You Might Also Like
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.