Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
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from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
iPhone X
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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