[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
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Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
She puts the hot in psychotic
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.