[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
You Might Also Like
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.