[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
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As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.