My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
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Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
figuring out my emotional availability:
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.