Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
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I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
#JohnTravolta